Still Cookin...

Baby Luke is still cooking but it sounds like we might be meeting him sooner rather than later.  Funny, you can barely tell I'm pregnant in this pic......  ha!

I've got this all figured out...

Don't worry...I'm pretty sure I've got this all figured out for the medical community.  No, I'm talking about parenting... Lord knows I need all the wisdom I can get before little dude arrives in a couple months.  But this whole post partum depression deal.  No wonder women get all down in the dumps after giving birth.  It must be a culture shock after all the smiles and pleasantries from random strangers during pregnancy! 

For example...

I just went to grab some lunch.  Nothing fancy, just a sandwich from Einstein's Bagels (their spicy tomato spread is really awesome- try it!).  So, first, they bring another person up front to take my order (and there were only two other people in line).  The guy taking my order chats me up about is it my first, is it a boy or a girl, are we so excited or getting nervous, yada yada yada.  Nice right?  Then, I get to the next "station" where I go to pay and the girl is all, "You definitely need an iced sugar cookie" and gave it to me for free.  I'm thinking, wow these people are so sweet - or I look miserable with swollen ankles and sweat poring down my face. But honestly, I think they really were that nice. 

So then....

I'm standing there waiting for my lunch and this random guy who is also waiting for his food started making the standard preggo small talk --- due date, sex, what hospital, who's my doctor (found out this guy was also a doctor and used the same hospital...good to know I guess).  Since people at my office are so dang quiet all day it was kinda nice just to chat for a few minutes.  Then he's all, "can I ask you a favor?" and I got real nervous and was like "sure" and he said, "could I give you this cash?  I don't have my wallet on me and I don't have any pockets in these shorts.  They won't take tips and I won't be able to carry my order and my change." 

Kinda weird right, but then the guy hands me $14.  Huh?  People just give pregnant ladies free money?  WOW.  So now I can't decide if maybe I'm just looking really ratty today - I mean do I look like I can't afford the cookie?  Do  I look like $14 is going to make or break me?!?!?  What the --- !!!!!

--- Sorry, that must have been my hormones talking---

So,  anyways, I didn't feel right about taking the money so (sorry, Dude's Dude...I know you're going to think I'm a nut but...) I gave it to this little girl that was sitting having lunch with her mom and told the man that she would be able to get something nice.

How's that for proof of my hypothesis that the world is much nicer to preggos?  No wonder it's all going to seem a little overwhelming (and less friendly) when I no longer am a swollen, sweaty pregnant mess!  How could it not in comparison? 

Oh, and Dude's Dude - don't worry.  I think I totally scored us some points for good karma when I gave the cash to the little girl. 

Preggo Update

Pregnancy Update  - almost 27 weeks

So, this is more for me than you.  Feel free to check back in, oh, another week or so when I post something that's not targeting audience "me".

Total Weight Gained: I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong - I weigh myself almost daily.  But it really varies.... but okay, how about a noncommittal, somewhere in the range of 11 - 14 pounds.  (eeek!)  And Luke and I are measuring two weeks ahead of schedule.  I should find out next week if this means an adjustment of my due date.

Sleep: Wish it was better!  I don't have any trouble falling asleep but it's tough to stay asleep.  On the bright side of things, I'm starting to get a lot accomplished in my nocturnal hours!

Maternity Clothes: Pants and shorts are a necessity. Shirts and some summer dresses are still a mix.

Best Moment of the Week: Dude's Dude read to little dude the other night (yes, read to him...in utero...) and it made me so happy to know I've married such a great father.  These two could be double trouble though if Luke takes after daddy too much!

Food Cravings: None really. I do find myself thinking about banana pudding a lot but I don't really act on it so I don't count it as a craving. 

Aversions: Still can't do BBQ.  So sad in the summertime to miss out on it!

Symptoms: Umm.. normal stuff. My stomach is bigger (or massive depending on my angle), my back hurts occasionally, I pee a lot, the usual.

Movement: Oh yes. I've been feeling movement for a good 5 weeks now. Love it.  I'm even seeing a bit of the tummy jumps when he gets real active.

Gender: Yep, thus why I mentioned Little Dude above.  The mini mister is Luke James!

What I miss: A really hot bath with a really cold glass of white wine.

What I'm looking forward to: 3-D sono next week!

Weekly Wisdom: I'm finally starting to let people help with things - in fact, dude's dude cleaned the house, we ordered pizza and I have finally started to let some of the "small things" go.

Milestones: According to BabyCenter, my uterus is apparently the size of basketball.  How's that for a milestone?     :)

And, for a pic

And because it makes me laugh, check out my view from above...

HOLY MOLY, YA'LL!  I think I'm gonna have a toddler instead of a newborn!

A Funny Blog Post

OMG.  This is too funny!  I can't take credit for finding this gem, but gladly offer my gratitude to a friend for sharing it with me.  It truly made my day, maybe my week!  I don't personally know this blogger, she's apparently a columnist in Houston but it's quite possible we were separated at birth.  This is right up my ally...




Check out http://thebloggess.com/ for other hilarious posts.  And here's a little something to wet your appetite.  I've been laughing about this all day.  Am I the only one who finds this hilarious!?!?!?  I've emailed it out and everything and haven't got any responses.  Hmmm...

And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles.

June 21, 2011

in Random crap

This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.
Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more goddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”


Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

Insert-inappropriate-cock-joke-here.

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″ but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.
Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Knock-knock, motherfucker.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the fuck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.


Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, asshole.  Two whole weeks early.  15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.


Best. 15th anniversary. ever.





***** ALL FUNNY-NESS in this post is not my original material.  Credit goes solely to thebloggess.com and Beyonce. 

Pregnant Chicken Hook Up

OMG.  Have ya'll heard of Pregnant Chicken?  My sister-in-law has sent me a couple funny posts from it, but seeing as I'm trying to (1) recover from the holiday weekend; (2) avoid doing any work; and (3) sit really still hope I'm not catching strep throat (that Dude's Dude is home with), I decided to check out the blog.  Holy funniest site I've read in a while!  Here's one particular post that I LOVE....

Have a great week!

Clever Pregnancy Comebacks : Part Three

Here is the final installment of the Clever Comebacks!

Thanks to the peeps on Facebook who helped me with the "caffeine" comebacks – all I could think of was "f--- off".

Are you sure you're not having twins?! You're so big!

I'm totally using these :)

• Shhh, it's actually a litter of puppies but don't tell anyone yet.
• No, I actually have a condition called "Ur-a-dick". Google it. It's spelled the way it sounds.
• Did you say "twins" or "violins"? Oh, okay I guess both sounded kind of stupid.

"Is the nursery ready?"

• No, the baby isn't going to be staying with us.
• Yep, the sock drawer is all ready to go!
• Sort of, we're just waiting for the electric fencing to be installed.

"You must have wanted a girl/boy instead"

• Actually, I was hoping for a kitten that could burp glitter.
• Yes, I'm having a custom t-shirt made that says "I got pregnant and all I ended up with was this perfect baby boy/girl".
• I'll just trade it for something else in the hospital.

"You're just hormonal."

• Shall I tell your family that those were your final words?
• "I was simply hormonal, your Honor. I didn't mean to stab him in the neck with a pencil."
• I think you mean "ormornal". The "h" is silent when you're speaking in moron.

"How are you going to handle another one?!"

• We're selling the oldest one on eBay.
• Oh, it will be fine. I drink a little.
• I just won't pick this one up when it cries. I figure that will free up a lot of my time.

How ya feeling? (with a head tilt).

• I don't know, I'm still a little drunk.
• Strangely violent today.
• It's funny that you should ask that (then abruptly walk away).

"You should NOT be drinking caffeine." (or doing, eating, touching, etc. something else that's none of their damn business).

• Oh my gosh, Th...ank YOU! Are you SURE? I had NO idea. My doctor said it was fine, thank god you are here to save me from-what is it exactly the caffeine will do?
• The Voices say I can have caffeine. I don't fuck with the Voices.
• Decaf make PREGNANT HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!
• You shouldn't be wearing those jeans (etc.) but I didn't bring that to your attention.
• This is the best I can do since kicking the methamphetamine habit.
• It's not caffeine. It's doctor prescribed laxative tea because this pregnancy is making me so constipated I have hemorrhoids. Oh, sorry, was that too much information?
• You're right, tequila is better.
• F--- off.

I'm guessing if this is Part III, there's more goodness to follow but I just haven't made my way there yet and HAD to share this immediately! 

Things that Go Bump in the Night...

Well, more like things that go bump in the night, in the morning, all day long.  Little Luke doesn't care what time it is, this guy is a mover and shaker!  And last night, Dude's Dude finally got to feel the action!  It's been neat for me to feel the little flutters but last night, as I stretched out on the floor with Dude's Dude's hands on my belly, watching the basketball game, we both shared that first moment of feeling our son at the same time.  And let me tell ya... kinda blew this mama-to-be's mind (and daddy's for that matter)! What a crazy experience - and now, I can't wait for all the big moments to come.  Love this little boy so much already and can't wait to meet him.  I know, I know... we just passed the half-way mark a couple weeks ago, but still. And since I know he needs to "cook" a little bit longer, I'm hoping the 3-D/4-D sonogram in a couple weeks will tie me over.

Have a great weekend!

Weekend Update

Yay for actually having a social life this weekend!  Tonight, we are headed to a new dueling piano bar in Dallas, called the Penguin Bar (or something like that), for a friend's birthday party.  And the birthday boy's wife just happens to be one of my favorites so seeing her and the rest of the gang is always a good time!  We're meeting at 8:00 so here's hoping I get a nap in and can at least hang in there till 11:30 (although that's pushing it, I'm sure!)

Tomorrow, Dude's Dude is doing something really out of character.  Now, I know most people are either fanatical about Jimmy Buffet (as in love him and follow him to concerts and all that) or at least can tolerate his music.  Well, Dude's Dude and I just so happen to not fall into either of those categories....in fact, Buffet and his parrot heads pretty much make me want to bang my head against the wall.  BUT, Dude's Dude has a good friend that is a Parrot Head if we're being honest -- I mean, he's driving down from OKC to go to the Buffet concert in Frisco tomorrow.  And he asked Dude's Dude to tailgate with him since we live so close to Pizza Hut park these days.  And guess what?  Dude's Dude said YES.  CRAZINESS! 

So, while he's at the Buffet tailgating extravaganza (I mean, what else can you call it!?!?!?), I'll be


A)  Praying that he doesn't come home looking like this, singing "Cheeseburger in Paradise"

B)  Shopping - I've got a couple ideas for Luke's nursery that I'm so excited to start searching for!  

and

C)  May even attend an arts festival if the weather holds out.

Should be a fun one!  Hope you all have a good weekend!