If you're my friend "in real life", or even a "Facebook friend" of mine, it's no secret that I'm mildly obsessed with the blog Momastery. I often email articles, save them to my "parenting e-file" or share them on Facebook. And this, this is little nugget does not disappoint.... THIS is good stuff.
Momastery:
When we were little, many of us learned that God made a
garden called Eden and God put the first two people there – Adam and Eve. Then
God gave them everything they needed and one thing they didn’t need – which was
a tree in the middle of the garden called “the tree of the knowledge of good and
evil.” God told them not to eat from that tree. But Eve did, and her eyes were
opened – and everything got all kinds of jacked up after that.
I was taught that Eden is a story about temptation. That our nature is to do
the opposite of what God says to do, and that causes problems for us. But since
I was little I’ve been wondering if this story is also about the dangers of
trying to know what is good and what is bad. Maybe it wasn’t just defying
God that screwed everything up for poor Eve- maybe it was that she insisted on
Knowing Something Unknowable.
Maybe wanting to know what will be good for us and what will be bad for us
causes all our trouble. Because we should all be ready to admit by now that we
suck at knowing the difference between what is good and what is bad for
us.
If you ask folks what their wildest dream is many would say: winning the
lottery, even though this is often the kiss of death for families. We want MORE
STUFF- even though it’s been proven again and again that after our basic needs
our met- more stuff doesn’t make us happier. We collect and hoard and hold on
tight to our money- even though we KNOW that giving feels better. We want to be
smart- even though happiness and intelligence are inversely related. We trade
our time for cars and fancy clothes and shiny houses and then we realize all
we’ve gained is more stress and higher bills- and in the end – we just want all
that time back. Stuff that tastes good makes us feel bad, but we eat it anyway.
We say things that feel good to “get off our chests” and we feel awful about it
later. We want to become famous even though we know that fame destroys. We are
desperate for perfectly “typical” kids even though parents with special needs
kids consider them the biggest blessings of their lives. We avoid poverty even
though God promises us the Kingdom is there. We avoid heartbreak by any means
necessary even though that’s where the peace and connection and meaning is. We
act like we are perfect even though nobody trusts perfect. We really want to be
loved but choose being envied again and again.
I receive oodles of emails (from non-religious folks) saying: “Why do you
think you’re so broken? Why do you wallow in brokenness? You are WHOLE.” And
(from religious folks) I often hear: “You need more Jesus. Jesus is all you
need.”
But for goodness sake. Jesus promises not to leave us ALONE, he doesn’t
promise not to leave us HUMAN. And to clarify – I don’t want to be “whole.” I
want to be busted up and beautiful. While I’m still here, I want to be FULLY
HUMAN.
I talk about my addictions because everything beautiful in my life right now
came out of the ugliness back then. And
still does. I talk about my Lyme disease because I didn’t become strong
and peaceful until I learned to surrender to my weakness and mania. I talk about
my intolerance and jealousy and sadness and neurosis because those things make
me HUMAN and I think that being a messy hypocritical, busted up human is a
brutiful honor.
I talk about my flailing marriage because ( and a year ago I’d have ripped
your well-meaning head off if you’d predicted this to me) the truth is that my
marriage had to be shattered before it could be pieced back together. My
marriage was like a busted arm that The Doctor had to re-break
before it could heal right. A year ago- it all fell apart. Yes it did. And I
about died. But now. Just a year later – my marriage is excruciating and real
and true and deep and GORGEOUS for the first time. For the very first time. It
also still sucks. It hurts and burns and refuses to leave me in peace –
like every crucible does. But damned if all that discomfort didn’t turn out to
be the good stuff. Like the Velveteen Rabbit – maybe neither people nor
marriages become Real until the shine and newness rubs off and they look ugly
and worn out to the rest of the world but real and soft and comforting and
lovely to the one who holds them. This past year has been a special slice of
hell for me and Craig- and I never, ever thought it would get better. I had no
outward hope for a long while– but I kept showing up, and so did Craig. We kept
fiercely and relentlessly showing up. We did NOT commit to each other
this past year. We individually committed to the Spiritual Practice of Showing
Up.
And last week I looked at Craig and thought- Holy SHIT. I think I love
him. For the first time. For the first time - I respect the hell out of this
man. It took a year of tears and faith and sweat and therapy and prayer and
more tears and it will always be hard. It will always be hard and that’s
okay. We have proved to our kids and ourselves that We Can Do Hard Things.
And so- when I talk about this stuff- this messy stuff in my life – I have a
PURPOSE. I’m not “wallowing in brokenness.” I’m trying to suggest that maybe
THE BUSTED UP STUFF IS THE GOOD STUFF. We resist that idea because we really,
really suck at being judges of things. God didn’t ask us not to judge so we’d be
nice people. God asks us not to judge for the same reason Craig asks me not to
cook- because We just plain SUCK AT IT. So we should just leave that tree to
God.
I’m trying not to judge my own life by the world’s standards because my
suspicion is that often – our bad is God’s good and our good is God’s bad. The
last are first and the first are last. When we start seeing clearly- we learn
that it’s always opposite day. In my life- the brutal ALWAYS transforms into the
beautiful. And so after thirty eight years I have learned this about what life
is offering me: IF IT’S EASY AND SHINY- BEWARE. IF IT STINGS A LITTLE – SIT
TIGHT, GET CURIOUS, AND THEN LEAN IN.
I used to say: I’m broken. Fix me. Then I grew up a little and said :
WAIT A MINUTE. I’M NOT BROKEN. And now I’m a real grown up so I say:
Of course I’m broken. And I love, love, love myself that way. If you’re
comfortable with that – come sit with me and we can laugh and cry and be broken
and beautiful together. But don’t try to fix me- I didn’t ask for that. I just
asked for some good company in which to be human.
Be Still in your garden and trust that you don’t need to decide what is good
in your life and what is bad. You can stop striving for good and resisting bad
and instead – surrender to all of it. You can stop judging your circumstances
and your life and your people. Striving for good and resisting bad is the source
of all of our worry, all of our stress. All our problems stem from our refusal
to surrender to what IS. To what life is and who people are. Let it be. Let it
come, whatever it is. Breathe deeply and know that if you let it come and feel
it all – it won’t kill you. It will pass away soon enough and leave you better,
kinder, softer, and stronger. Let the brutal make you even more beautiful.
Thank you, Glennon for providing a shred of light on some of the dark. That little flicker is sometimes all that we need to get through the broken mess.
