Heavy

Today was going to be a big reveal here...  We were supposed to find out yesterday if Luke was getting a baby brother or sister.  Yep, at nearly the end of my first trimester, I’d managed to keep it quiet on both Facebook and this blog.  A major accomplishment for me to keep a secret, even if it was just a secret on the web.  But instead, our day yesterday was filled with tears.  Anger.  Sadness.  Rage.  Heartbreak.  And more tears.

Yesterday, we found out that we will not be meeting our baby in March as planned.  Luke will not be a big brother, at least not this spring.  A sonogram showed fluid on our baby’s brain and an ablation on his or her abdomen.  With those two monumental and most certainly life altering additions the sonogram, there was also one giant thing missing.  No heartbeat.  The baby measured gestationally correct and the doctor concluded that the miscarriage was extremely recent, likely even the day before.

Our baby that we watched on the sonogram just weeks before...the little heartbeat was racing as we gripped each other’s hands in excitement.  Gone.  In an instant. Visions of a family of four shattered and pieced back together as three.

Yes, we are heartbroken.  Yes, we are completely blindsided.  No, we don’t have answers.  But we will work through this.  Just like we have before.  Except this time, we have Luke to focus on, how extremely lucky we are to have him and we are trying to show him even more now how important he is to us.  And we are beyond grateful that he is blissfully unaware of the loss.

I can honestly say it’s with conflicted emotions that we celebrate his second birthday today.  He’s growing so fast and makes us proud each time he learns something new, gets excited, smiles….and we still think he’ll make an awesome big brother someday.  Yet we are downtrodden.  Worried about our future.  Worried about our little family.  The good news is, we’ve known since the second we laid eyes on Luke that he’s a fighter.  Now, given the repeating heartbreak, we are even more convinced that he’s also our miracle.

If you’re into praying, we could sure use some.  If you’ve got good vibes, please send them our way.  But most importantly, cut someone some slack today.  Cut yourself some slack today.  Maybe someone else is less willing to share what’s going on in their background.  Or maybe you're a little short with someone or can't live up to expectations.  Give everyone, including yourself, the benefit of the doubt and a *maybe* even a free pass.  We all have our loads to carry and some days it’s a little lot heavier than others.

Until we meet again…I’m taking a little bloggy break.